Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
