ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
