Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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