i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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