Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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