There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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