i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
