I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You left your phone here
Wait...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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