My first STD was from a foam party
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I can text with my tongue
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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