I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she told me i tasted like america
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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