Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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