the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
