Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
