So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
