My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
