I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
