don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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