I think im going to throw up on grandma
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
