Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
