I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
