I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
