Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
