My hand turned me down
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
