the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Randomize
