just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
