i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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