a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
