she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
