im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
