he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
