The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
