I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
