I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize