Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
