my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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