Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
