I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
