I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
