Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
