I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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