Kiss
Puke
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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