There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
