i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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