My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize