I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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