Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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