he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
