Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
