I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
