I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
