Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
