If that was your dad, he is hot
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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