You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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