I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize