I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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