Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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