Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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