i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I pour the whiskey from now on
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
