My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize