yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
