my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
