im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
