New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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