I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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