Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize